Technically I had six roommates in total. This is one of the few who merits his own chapter. His name was Barry. Barry was exactly the kind of roommate that people tell horror stories about. He was a 6 foot- something Sasquatch that sounded like the retarded guy in Slingblade.
Slingblade seemed nice at first, but quickly turned out to be as ass. I felt kind of bad for him when we met, because he seemed even more socially awkward than I was, which is more than a little impressive. So I did my best to include him whenever we went somewhere; occasionally that required me to go out of my way. I seem to recall dragging him out with us and leaving early because of him on at least one occasion. At the time, I was fine with it. I mean, I was there to learn to be personally acceptable in society, so how could I ignore someone in similar distress?
But as time went on, Slingblade’s true attitude towards us came out. He was cranky and often inconsiderate. He enjoyed bitching at us, which I wasn’t about to let slide. I didn’t drive halfway across the country to be “daddy’d” by some prick who couldn’t get along with others. In a very short time, my patience withered and died. And on two separate occasions it almost ignited in violence. On one such occasion he was arguing with me, alone in our apartment. I have no idea what started it or what it was even about, but it was probably something moronic. I remember distinctly sipping coke straight out of a two liter bottle, casually insulting him as flames poured from his nostrils. I looked him straight in the eye and told him “You’re a fucking idiot.” in the same tone that someone else might say “your toast is burning”. His head cocked back and his rage quadrupled. “What did you just call me??!!!!” My eyes neither widened nor blinked. “What are you, retarded? I said you’re stupid.” Then I took another chug off my drink, like a gangbanger dropping Crown Royal… or whatever they drink. Venomous whispers spewed from Slingblade’s lips as his fist rose to strike me. But I did not move. My free hand remained at my side.
And to his credit, he decided against resorting to violence and walked away. Of course he couldn’t resist a few insults as he left. But frankly, I was too busy laughing and figuring out who to tell the story to first.
Slingblade was bunked in with the Mormon, and NO ONE hated him more. For the most part, the Mormon was a kind and gentle soul. But when it came to Slingblade, Jesus was tossed out the window and the sinner came out. “I sear to God, I’m going to get up in the middle of the night, put a pillow over his head, and smother that big retarded yeti-looking motherfucker!” Direct quote. Towards the end, the Mormon began searching for ways to sabotage him. Mormon happened to be a computer genius, so while Slingblade was away at work, he searched through his computer.
“Mormon, what are you looking for?”
“Porn.”
“Ummm… whyyyyyy?”
“Because, I know he has porn on here. He HAS to, and when I find it, I’m going to set his computer so that all it ever does is play porn every time you turn it on. I want his parents to see what a sick fuck he is.”
“Hmmmm… Mormon? Have I ever told you that I love you?”
“Get the hell away from me.”
It took about an hour. Slingblade hid his porn well. And we found out why. When it finally turned up, what we found was a video of half-naked fireman touching each other. I shit you not. I laughed until I blacked out.
But I think the oddest thing about Slingblade was what he ate. Quote. “I loves me sum Ray-men noodles, MMMM-HMMMM.” (Okay, I made that up, but it makes me laugh to imagine his Billy Bob Thornton voice saying that.) Slingblade lived, breathed and shat Ramen Noodles. I realize that it isn’t uncommon for minimum wage students to eat Ramen Noodles to save money. That’s fine, but Slingblade ate Ramen with everything. Ramen Noodles and McDonalds Hamburger. Ramen and Stouffers lasagna. Ramen and Spanish omelet. And it wasn’t as though he ate them side by side. He mixed them in together. The Mexican Pizza that he mixed in ended up looking like someone stuck a cat in a blender. My absolute favorite was Ramen, scrambled eggs and chocolate cake. Seriously. And he would leave these concoctions in the refrigerator when he had leftovers. There were times when I swear I heard it moving.
He actually did make a few friends towards the end. People he worked with. Some of them were girls. I even heard them laugh at one of his jokes. I was stunned. Maybe he hypnotized them or something. More likely he micked their drinks, but anyway. I figured, good for him. Someone had to like him.
On Barry’s last day, he asked me to help carry down his giant TV which we had all used. He’d asked everyone else, and I believed they all laughed in his face. I had no intention of helping him do anything. He was a dick. But I did agree to spot for him and make sure he didn’t trip and fall coming down the stairs. Looking back now, I feel a little guilty. I could have helped him carry down the TV, even if I’m not sure he would have done the same for me. Once he’d loaded his TV in back of his truck, I shook his hand and he drove off. Back to Texas… or Mars… wherever the hell he’s from.
Oddly, I did see Barry one last time. Last year, while roaming around EPCOT, I spotted him and what I can only assume was his boyfriend walking in my direction. I ducked around the corner and prayed he didn’t see me.
